Dear Pumpkin.

I heard the new this morning and no matter how much I wish it was all a horrible nightmare, it’s not. I hate you so much Pumpkin. I hate you. I hate myself for hating you because I love you so much. It still hurt this very moment. I don’t know what else to do but to put my feeling into words… you taught me that. You taught me that when I can’t express my feeling and emotion, I should put it into words even if no one understands. Pumpkin, I miss you very much. You promise me you will take care of yourself and come back home safely. You lied… you lied to me. Its 8 41 am and all I can hear is that echoing of your mom’s tears.

Pumpkin you bastard! I hate you. You wish I will come see you, you better be hoping I come to your funeral service… you better be wishing because I am not coming. How can I face you, when all I can remember seeing was your bright happy smile. Pumpkin, What am I suppose to do, you were my strength when I can’t go on, you were my encouragement when I can’t get back up, you were my laughter when everything seem to go wrong, you were my strongest friends, when I was at my sickest. Now I don’t have you no more.

You promise me that when you return, you and I are going to travel the world and become rebels. You promise me, you and I will go sky diving, scuba diving, hang-glide, and every little dumb shiit there is to do before we get old. Pumpkin, you say you will be home this summer and we can camp under our tree house… I was looking for summer; I was looking forward to making smore, looking at the star, you telling ghost stories… I was looking forward to see you and your smile.

Pumpkin, can you hear me? Can you see me? Can you feel my pain of losing the most valuable person in my life? Can you? I don’t know what else to do Pumpkin, I am feeling so sad, and whenever I do, you magically out of the blue randomly call me and now I wish you would call. I wish you ever here alive with me and telling me jokes, I wish I had held on to you and slap you when you say you were getting deported. I guess letting you walk away was my biggest mistake ever.
I MISS YOU…

Always
Your Little Butternut Squash