I don’t think it’s going to work out with me and Bree after all. Last weekend I went up to NY and when we got back to her apartment there was a crowd there watching movies. I went to bed to level off the jet lagg and I woke up to people crying. All the girls were crying and maybe one or two guys. The rest were looking up, down, or at the wall. Was I still dreaming? I looked at the cover of the movie they just watched, “A walk to remember”. I never saw the movie, but I have read the book and if it was anything like the book now would be a time to just walk away. But of course, me being myself there was no way I was walking out just like that. I stood there shocked at first then I got down and tried to comfort Bree, only for her to flinch away. Should I be mad or upset? She told me to go away, just go. At first I didn’t register what she was saying, but then she said it more calmly. If she would have been mad or thrown things at me, I think I could have handled the situation, but she wasn’t and didn’t. I walked over got my shoes on, grabbed my jacket, and unpacked bags and walked out the door, down the stars out the apartment and grabbed a taxi. I got a motel room and just sat down, didn’t even cared if it was dirty or stinky like most run down motels. I switched off my cell and sat in the motel room in the dark with the curtains up. The next day I got on the plane and came back home and secluded myself. I’ve been thinking about it and finally decide to post it today since the conclusions I’ve come up with aren’t getting me anywhere.

I guess you’d have to know my situation and have read the book or seen the movie to give me any advice. So here’s how the book goes. An old man looks back on a particular summer when he falls in love with a girl with leukemia. He did everything he could to make her last dreams come true, marries her, and finally she gives out and dies. Of course since then he’s married a girl have great kids, but still he cherishes and remembers that moment so clearly it’s like it happened yesterday. Of course that’s nothing like how my situation is. And really I don’t see the connection except Klaire had leukemia too. But she didn’t even die from it. She died because I was driving soberly to my late b-day and a stupid asshole rammed his stupid truck into my car. But that’s that in a nut shell and I don’t want to go into detail or get mad over it again. If you want the whole scoop of the story it should be in one of my other blogs.

But really, does Bree think she’ll be the woman I marry, not because I love her but because I respect her enough to live the rest of my life with her and have kids just to carry on the name. Does she seriously think that. If she hasn’t noticed there’s thousands of other yang male that can carry the stupid name for all I care. Am I really the type to drag a women down with me in marriage ‘till death do us part’ just so she can be a stand in for Klaire. Does she not see that I’m crazy about her. That I look forward to every weekend with her. That I take a hour and a half flight back and forth just to see her. That I go through a migraine from the jet lagg that I have to sleep for hours just to feel level headed again.

I’ve been in three separate arguments since Monday. One with my brother and sister in law. Leading to a fight between my brother and me, then my sister in law slapping me to my senses. The second argument was with my pregnant mother. I just sat there and let her vent her frustrations then walked calmly away before I say something I would regret. And last but not any better a group fight leading to most of the people drunk and mad. I went from mad, guilty, to pissed off all in a matter of hours. Now that that’s all over with I have to muster up enough courage to call Bree. I never got that, even when she’s wrong it has to be the male who has to explain himself. How can we explain ourselves when you women are so proud and stubborn you don’t even have the patients to listen long enough or shut your mouth long enough so we can apologize correctly without getting mad and going through the argument again. How would I know what she feels if she won’t give me a chance. It was my fault, I get it and know it, but don’t I earn and explanation or something. When your life seems to be at it’s peak you hit the climax and go straight down hill.