What can I say? You were an amazing person. You saved me so many times, rescued me in the nick of time and I thank you for all of it. We made it through the thickest of fogs to the other side where the sun shines so brightly, not a cloud in the sky.

It's ironic how you doing nothing made me want to do everything, made me want to change, to get out of my current situation, made me realize what I want and how to get there. Ironic that when I got out of that tough spot, when I became free, I felt as if that's all you came into my life for.

I've been well. Seeing as you never said a word after it, you're pretty well yourself. It's not that I didn't care, I just don't want to fight... fight to be me, you know? If all you said was true, then you would have been able to look pass it, but I guess, even your beautiful words was just something you told yourself too; you didn't actually believe it either. I didn't chase you, didn't want to play that role, was hoping we'd just find our way back, but you and your pride, your self righteousness would never let you take a step back unless I laid down the tracks first.

My two girls, I'm Done. I always thought it'd be a big dramatic ending, a big chaotic disagreement, and we'd go back and forth about who's wrong or what not, but nope. Simply, it's like this. A blog and everything's cut off. You two have fun now.

-J

It's strange how you still appear in my dreams, what was it about you that I loved so much? I'm not sure either, but some days I wake up, and later on that evening I remember a dream I had the night before. You told me in the dream that you developed feelings for another girl, that you couldn't tell me, but you followed your heart while I waited. Some thing like that... but I guess it was closure. Lols closure from a dream, funny, but it was as good as it gets, so thanks? =D

Maybe you tried a little more than me, maybe I lost a good thing but you lost a really bad thing so it evens out. I smile as I write this cause I saw it coming, flashed in front of me and yet, I was still a bit shocked. Choosing between you or me, I chose me. I will always choose me and I knew that, but a part of me wanted to believe maybe for you, it would be different, maybe for once I would chose someone besides myself. Nope, you couldn't change that.

Need an ear, need a talk just for fun, for a laugh, call me up. Though things are a bit strange, at least for me, seeing you, but not talking to you, it's definitely different. It's ok, I'll deal with it.

Right around now you're probably on your way to work. Right around now you're probably doing just fine. Right around now, is when I stare at the phone, debate if I should call, if I should say anything at all or just leave as it is.

Sometimes when I have too much time, even if I don't, my mind makes time for some odd reason, to wonder about random things. Today it just so happens to be, how things end.

When you get yourself into something, you never really think of the end, because you're still enjoying it, you're only planning ahead, and not planning for the end, I mean it's a good thing, if you always plan for the end when it's only begun, there's something wrong with you lol.

For my good and bad people I met here on HP.

The good, you've all treated me well and for that, many thanks. It was nice of you all to just say hi and bye, how are you? Simple things like that keeps me coming back. I've made some cool friends, people I'm proud to say I know, even if it's just from HP, they've taken a huge part in my daily life.

Last night I had a dream of... and I woke up disappointed that it was just a dream, but still, I had a good feeling today. I wasn't sure what it was, but I was happy just with the hope that maybe I'll get to speak with him.

So so much that you feel like it'S going to burst out of yoUr chest and sPlatter on Everyone's face? Ever loved someone so much you don't know wheRe to hide it? That's How I feel. I gEt all jumpy eveRytime I mentiOn his name, because I'm afraid I'll lose him, but I guess if I do, someone was able to make him happier.

I know you don't like reading long blogs, but everytime I write, I can't just make it short because there's always so much I want to say, even things I've all ready said, I repeat it just to make sure you know I really mean itttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt. =D

Do you know that even though I'm always on the go or sleeping, you're the first and last thing that crosses my mind? That I might be asleep, but as soon as I wake up and see a miss call from you, I smile knowing you thought about me enough to call.

This week's been hectic and we keep missing each other's call, but the few minutes we do get to talk, will get me through the day. I guess this is what people call being friends right? Missing you, but not giving in; loving you, but at a distance; having emotions, but keep them tucked in.

Packing up my stuff and rolling out with Chrissy, Happy and Pao. Rehab here we come. As for Cereal, your butt can sit here till school starts lols, then join us.

Phone out the window. Messages ignored. Offline status.

-J

You're busy sleeping
I'm quietly listening
Can't tell if this is a dream
or reality at it's best, pinch me
How we arrived to this moment
is still a mystery to me, no comment

but I'm sure, it was premeditated
We hit the trigger and played our roles
To end up here tonight, fated
You spill your beans, but I wore
them like a million dollar evening gown
My feet slip and slides, because this is
the first time I flown off the ground

Remember what we said here tonight
It'll be the guide that keeps us
together through whatever may fight
us tomorrow. If you ever doubt,

ILYMTM!!!!!!!

You came and took my world by storm, rain or shine, it's always bright, warm and rainbow filled in my heart now. I know it won't be easy, hard to be exact, but I'm here, and our feelings are all ready established.

First time around we let go, now we're back in each other's company, let's do our best. "Es tuav kuv khov khov, tsam kuv ploj lawm."

-J

Now, you can all celebrate. Sorry I can't be here to toast with you.

I don't miss you, for we've never met in person, but I miss what we could have been. I miss our little jokes, miss your humor and positive energy. I didn't count the days since I haven't talked to you because either way, it would still feel like forever since our last words.

My doors, never closed
My chores, I chose
Our memories, I never smoked
They sit, left ventricle
Asymmetrical, your words
Good times, we wrote
Our history, replayed
Critical points, delayed
Your cause, I appreciated
Letting go, we can't deviate
Letters on the pillow, I pained
Better tomorrows, we'll sustain.

Something I jotted in the BB before going to sleep. My mind had to be leaked and so it was.

There was a time...

When everything seemed beautiful
from the sight of falling autumn leaves
to snowflakes on your nose, or cold
January nights in the car under the hanging
moon. Do you remember how we wrapped each other
in blankets of words, so warm, we didn't feel
the temperature drop? Your wandering fingers
found a way through my hair. I miss the hot meals
on the go, you by my side as I down my biscuit
and orange juice. My visible breathing, fogging
the car windows, the sound of the wiper blades every
other couple of seconds. Can we go back so I can erase it?

Goodbyes aren't very fun, but there are some who likes to drag it out like a last meal. Stop stalling, don't pick a fight just so it feels like there is more that needs to be said, just shush. Just sleep. Just let it be what it has become and embrace the terms agreed upon without actual spoken words. Let go of my hand and don't turn your head my way when I walk pass, because you won't see me, you'll see a different person this time. Soak it in, inhale and swallow the facts like nutrients. Reality, it's good for you.

Not sure how to feel or what to say. At the moment, all I can do is let things go. Holding it back and putting on a brave act won't help because the anger rises from within, not from outside in. I guess after a while, I've outgrown you in the sense that I'm in a state of mind you can't comprehend. You're not that girl I first met, you've become a reoccuring annoyance with your deceit. You make yourself seem so innocent, but innocence doesn't lie.

So here, for you, stalker dear. I hope you piss, drool and throw up all at once while reading this filthy piece of work. LMFAO My apologies if I said too much lols but I can only write what comes to me.

Violent shocks storms my soul, the deepest kind
That gets into the cracks and builds an empire
Of nonnegotiable terror. That’s what you do to me. Blind
And unaware of your existence to fulfill desires
I myself do not want to admit. The ones we all have
But never speak of because the verbs used
To form the sentences are so twisted, one’s mouth will chap

Hello, it's been a long time since we've crossed path on the blogs, but today, I found you sitting in the corner of my heart. I was shocked to find you still there after these long months. I guess I don't know you as well as I thought I did, because I thought you would have left long ago, but you were here all along, no wonder I haven't had a bad day in a while. Kuv nco koj today more than ever because you had to go right when we were having a good conversation. It's okay though, I know you will be reading this later on.

Ahem...

My China doll, glazed and poised in my palms