Hey, guys. Hope you all have been doing well. College has been keeping me busy, but today has been awful slow so I decide to drop in on Hp and see what’s going on. I see Hp is still moving along as usual with the usual things that go on (posting about your day, sharing music and poetry, posting how you got kicked from HP chat, etc).

I told myself, I'd be okay without you. I can take on the pain only, yours' and mines. I told meself it wasn't fair to you. I told meself I was doing the right thing. I told meself if I turly loved you, your happiness would become mine.

But, it hurts to watch you from afar. It hurts to see someone else by your side. It hurts to see you smile at someone else. It hurts not being the one you love.

I want to hug you when your insecure. I want to hold you when your scared. I want to cry with you when you're sad. I want to laugh with you when you're happy.

Everytime I think of the pain you went through during you last moments, I die a little more inside.

Everytime I think about the memories you left me with, it makes my will to live a little stronger.

I made you wait so long until I accepted you.

Now its my turn to wait.

No matter how long I have to wait, it's worth waiting if I get to be with you again.

At the top of the cyrstal clear glass stairs that leads me to you, awaiting for me at the golden gates of heavean or hell.

We'll never be apart again, we'll never feel hurt again, we'll never have to fear for tomorrow.

Couldn't get any sleep tonight, so I decided to come on and say hello, since it has been a while since I have been on. So, Hello. Can't say life has gotten any better, but I leave for college dorms in 3 days and right now I just want to block everything. Was observing hmongpride's chat room but not much action is going on.

Another sleepless night. It's re-playing in my head over and over as it always do. Time may ease the pain, but I never want it to heal me. I never want to forget. It's enough that the pain disappeared along with a lot of other feelings I want so bad to remember how it use to feel. I have a pictures of her still on my night stand, but even so I've forgotten how she really looks like. The last few moments I had with her, I tired so hard to imprint her face into my head so that even if I close my eyes I'll see it. Efforts gone to waste.

Lookin' at your picture from when we first met
You gave me a smile that I could never forget
And nothing I could do
Could protect me from you that night
Wrapped around your finger, always on my mind
The days would blend 'cause we stayed up all night
Yeah, you and I were, everything, everything to me.

All the doors are closing, I'm trying to move ahead
And deep inside I wish it's me instead
My dreams are empty from the day,
The day you slipped away

That since I lost you
I lost myself
No I can't fake it
There's no one else
I just want you to know

My graduation from high school is coming soon in a few days. I hear its one of the happiest moment of one's life. When you walk across the stage entering a new world or starting a new chapter in your life with all your friends and family cheering you on.

Someone from Hp got my e-mail and now I have a bunch of nasty e-mails from some weirdo claiming to be from Hp. I thought that they were unable to see my e-mail address on my profile. I guess I was wrong, please have that checked.

3/5/11 12:18ish
It's midnight and I still haven't slept yet. Insomia sucks. I feel so tired and worn out. I might just fall asleep because of being sleep deprived. The positive side to not sleeping is it gives me time to think. Alot of random thoughts come into my head. Some of it are things I rather put behind me. Tonight is a good night to go star gazing so I'mma simmy up onto the roof and hopefully fall asleep.

I may not post everyday, but I'll try to get on whenever.

3/4/11 10:05ish

You probably have notice that I don't reply to the comments you leave me. First off I'd like to apologize for that. I do read them when I get around to it and I think about every comment you leave weather it be negative or positive. These blog are more of a journal entry to me than a blog. I can't talk to the people I know about the way I feel. I just can't put them through all the pain anymore. I'd rather pretend to trip, walk into a door, and make myself look like a fool to get a smile out of them. So I'm throwing my burden into these blogs.

I didn't think I'll be back here this soon. I was surfing youtube for hmong songs and came across Kristine Xiong. I feel kind of bad now since I don't remember any of the songs. Her voice go to me and I broke down. I cried hard. That probably sounds pathetic coming form a guy going on 18. But I like to think that I'm only human and I can be hurt too. I've been through a lot. I don't believe in god and I don't believe I'm going to hell because of that. When I heard her voice it touched something in me that I haven't felt in years.

found myself staring at the homepage of hmongpride so i decided to post this. May of last year was the last time i was on. alot has happened that i dont want to mention. Im reading some of my older post and i notice i have changed alot too. im starting college this fall so thats something to look foward too. i probably wont be on for awhile again so if you decide to drop a comment "Hi". i promised last time i would come back and just post something random about how i've been doing. well, here it is. c ya later hp. you've been a chapter of my life i could always re-open again and again.

A MESSAGE TO ALL HPERS!

I don’t think it’s going to work out with me and Bree after all. Last weekend I went up to NY and when we got back to her apartment there was a crowd there watching movies. I went to bed to level off the jet lagg and I woke up to people crying. All the girls were crying and maybe one or two guys. The rest were looking up, down, or at the wall. Was I still dreaming? I looked at the cover of the movie they just watched, “A walk to remember”. I never saw the movie, but I have read the book and if it was anything like the book now would be a time to just walk away.

Like in the movies there is a genie and he/she grants you three wishes. Those wishes can be anything in the world, you can ask for someone to love you, bring back the dead, be a millionaire, and so one. The only wish you can’t make is to have more wishes. So what would your three wishes be? I’m looking forward to the honesty here, but if you want to give me the old- a really big expensive car, a nice mansion, and a beautiful spouse then give me the reasons why.

I guess it’s only fair to tell you want I would want.

Have you ever thought about killing yourself. Like there was no point in moving on. The situation could be different for everyone. Lost a loved one. Heartbroken. Poverty. Humiliation. Unfulfilled Wants. Desires.

When you’re down and out of luck, how come we only think about all the bad things instead of all the good things. How come we can’t imagine ourselves happy. Why can’t we be satisfied?

When you’re angry and hurt, take it out on somebody else.

Can you make yourself fall in love with someone your not in love with?
Etc…

I packed up for a weekend in New York on Friday then I had to go to school for half the day. That was the deal I made with mom. I love planes, but for some reason jet lag was never a good thing. I got off the plane in New York and went down to the terminal to get my bag then I turned around and she made my day. There she was and everything stopped for me. Yes it was crowded and people was pushing and shoving, but all I could see was her and all I could hear was her laughter; I guess my mouth dropped open when I saw her.

Well, I’m in the middle of writing a 5 page essay and my mind is wandering off topic so I thought “might as well get this over with”. Why is it when you dump a person you don’t have anything good to say about that person? Why the hell did you date him or her in the first place? I’m not sure if I could put much input into this since most of my breakups were mutual and I still hang out with most of them, give a call every now and then and say something nice about her when a person asks. Sure they have flaws, but you don’t have to tell the whole world how they were in bed or out of bed.

So I’m bored nothing to do. Everyone is busy, and has there own lives. Sometimes I really start to think. Do I really have any friends? So I ask the people I know and they get pissy and total blows me off for even asking that. My mistake. But really has there been a day when you just feel like there’s anyone.

Great, well, as promised here is Chat Room Observation #2.

Abc, ECI, MaiNou, Chasper, kwvtijhmoob, mIzzdrOpby, Tiger, Tiggy, Bussinessman, Inchen

Well, I went with my parents and we had the first ultra sound done. My dad held my mother’s hand and I thought this was the happiest couple on the planet right now. I could see the tears in my mother’s eyes and the hand gripping my father made every time the doctor said something. After being told she didn’t have a high chance of not being able to have babies again, 17 years later here she was having an ultra sound. All these years I thought it was my fault since my birth had some problems. I told myself I was going to be the best big brother a kid could ask for.

I never understood why people can talk over the phone all night and not run out of things to say. Last night was the first for me and I fell asleep. Bree called me this morning while I was still asleep with my cell between my ear and the pillow.

Bree: Wake up sleepy head!
Me: Gosh what time is it. (Glanced at my night stand alarm: 5:32 am) Errr. I fell asleep. Sorry.
Bree: (laughs) It’s okay. Did you know you make these cute little whimpers when you’re asleep?
Me: I do.
Bree: (laughs) Yes, you do. It’s kind of cute.
Me: How long were you still up after I conked out?

There was a barbecue party at my brother’s lake house and a lot of people showed up. I met a lot of people I didn’t know and heard a lot of stories I didn’t want to listen too. Then I met a old guy in his mid 50’s and we begun to talk about a lot of things. He told me about his wife who had died carrying his unborn child. We talked about how hard it is to say goodbye. The excuses we make to people and to ourselves so that we may avoid certain things. For the longest time he suffered and decided to live alone and he admit that he regretted not finding someone else earlier.

I don’t know why, but people can’t be mature about it. The conversation usual consist of people bragging about themselves. Read some of this before you get grossed out, I'll try to be discreet.

So anyway I decide to observe the chat room today and hoping not to get kicked like last time and this is what I’ve got.

Chat room broadcast:
You have been disconnected from DigiChat by the chat master for waking up early just to chat on hp. You either eat breakfast in front of your computer or don’t eat at all. =]
-10:26 am Eastern time

People in the room at the time: ‘lovely, businessman, mainou, tiger boyz, nick, me_n_u, cheecko, CC Smileys! , asdf, _Azn chick ^_^, ladie

Chat room broadcast:
Your so hopeless, hoopy :] Anyways, hoppy you’re in charge. -10:28 am

I went over to a party last night. The host was a friend of mine who’s going to be married in mid July. I pulled her aside last night and told her how proud I was of her even though I never liked the guy she was seeing. She started crying I thought they were tears of joy, but I was dead wrong. She had belt marks all over her back. My heart broke, I new the guy was a creep and there was something off about him, but I never looked any deeper. See was so happy or so it seemed. I went down to the rest of the party. The SOB was drunk and hitting on some blondie.

I'm having one of my moody days. I'm not mad or lashing out at anyone, but it seems that I'm the one everyone is mad at. I haven't called Bree yet. And as much as I want to visit Klaire's grave, I haven't.

Hey I’m back. Missed me? I came back yesterday, I was jet lagged and very mad, so instead of hanging out at home I came to school today. To add to my headache their was a bunch of kids from the middle school I think 8th graders, taking a tour of the high school. I walked up to one group of them the consisted of 20-30 of them and completely lashed out on them. I don’t remember what I said, but they entire hall was dead silent and the kids were horror struck, wide open months hanging open. I apologized and they went on the rest of the tour.

Happy April fools day. Hopefully we’re keeping the jokes down to a minimum. Some people can cross the line. We’ll I’m heading out early tomorrow morning to New York and I’m glad to say I won’t be back for a week or two. I’ll try to pop in from time to time, but while I’m gone don’t do anything insane. I don’t like drama, being in the middle of one, or trying to be in the middle of one, but I do like to know what’s going on around here so I can do my part. Hp is special, but I’m sure most of us know that. Be back when I do get back. Later