A MESSAGE TO ALL HPERS!

I don’t think it’s going to work out with me and Bree after all. Last weekend I went up to NY and when we got back to her apartment there was a crowd there watching movies. I went to bed to level off the jet lagg and I woke up to people crying. All the girls were crying and maybe one or two guys. The rest were looking up, down, or at the wall. Was I still dreaming? I looked at the cover of the movie they just watched, “A walk to remember”. I never saw the movie, but I have read the book and if it was anything like the book now would be a time to just walk away.

Like in the movies there is a genie and he/she grants you three wishes. Those wishes can be anything in the world, you can ask for someone to love you, bring back the dead, be a millionaire, and so one. The only wish you can’t make is to have more wishes. So what would your three wishes be? I’m looking forward to the honesty here, but if you want to give me the old- a really big expensive car, a nice mansion, and a beautiful spouse then give me the reasons why.

I guess it’s only fair to tell you want I would want.

Have you ever thought about killing yourself. Like there was no point in moving on. The situation could be different for everyone. Lost a loved one. Heartbroken. Poverty. Humiliation. Unfulfilled Wants. Desires.

When you’re down and out of luck, how come we only think about all the bad things instead of all the good things. How come we can’t imagine ourselves happy. Why can’t we be satisfied?

When you’re angry and hurt, take it out on somebody else.

Can you make yourself fall in love with someone your not in love with?
Etc…

I packed up for a weekend in New York on Friday then I had to go to school for half the day. That was the deal I made with mom. I love planes, but for some reason jet lag was never a good thing. I got off the plane in New York and went down to the terminal to get my bag then I turned around and she made my day. There she was and everything stopped for me. Yes it was crowded and people was pushing and shoving, but all I could see was her and all I could hear was her laughter; I guess my mouth dropped open when I saw her.

Well, I’m in the middle of writing a 5 page essay and my mind is wandering off topic so I thought “might as well get this over with”. Why is it when you dump a person you don’t have anything good to say about that person? Why the hell did you date him or her in the first place? I’m not sure if I could put much input into this since most of my breakups were mutual and I still hang out with most of them, give a call every now and then and say something nice about her when a person asks. Sure they have flaws, but you don’t have to tell the whole world how they were in bed or out of bed.

So I’m bored nothing to do. Everyone is busy, and has there own lives. Sometimes I really start to think. Do I really have any friends? So I ask the people I know and they get pissy and total blows me off for even asking that. My mistake. But really has there been a day when you just feel like there’s anyone.

Great, well, as promised here is Chat Room Observation #2.

Abc, ECI, MaiNou, Chasper, kwvtijhmoob, mIzzdrOpby, Tiger, Tiggy, Bussinessman, Inchen

Well, I went with my parents and we had the first ultra sound done. My dad held my mother’s hand and I thought this was the happiest couple on the planet right now. I could see the tears in my mother’s eyes and the hand gripping my father made every time the doctor said something. After being told she didn’t have a high chance of not being able to have babies again, 17 years later here she was having an ultra sound. All these years I thought it was my fault since my birth had some problems. I told myself I was going to be the best big brother a kid could ask for.

I never understood why people can talk over the phone all night and not run out of things to say. Last night was the first for me and I fell asleep. Bree called me this morning while I was still asleep with my cell between my ear and the pillow.

Bree: Wake up sleepy head!
Me: Gosh what time is it. (Glanced at my night stand alarm: 5:32 am) Errr. I fell asleep. Sorry.
Bree: (laughs) It’s okay. Did you know you make these cute little whimpers when you’re asleep?
Me: I do.
Bree: (laughs) Yes, you do. It’s kind of cute.
Me: How long were you still up after I conked out?

There was a barbecue party at my brother’s lake house and a lot of people showed up. I met a lot of people I didn’t know and heard a lot of stories I didn’t want to listen too. Then I met a old guy in his mid 50’s and we begun to talk about a lot of things. He told me about his wife who had died carrying his unborn child. We talked about how hard it is to say goodbye. The excuses we make to people and to ourselves so that we may avoid certain things. For the longest time he suffered and decided to live alone and he admit that he regretted not finding someone else earlier.

I don’t know why, but people can’t be mature about it. The conversation usual consist of people bragging about themselves. Read some of this before you get grossed out, I'll try to be discreet.

So anyway I decide to observe the chat room today and hoping not to get kicked like last time and this is what I’ve got.

Chat room broadcast:
You have been disconnected from DigiChat by the chat master for waking up early just to chat on hp. You either eat breakfast in front of your computer or don’t eat at all. =]
-10:26 am Eastern time

People in the room at the time: ‘lovely, businessman, mainou, tiger boyz, nick, me_n_u, cheecko, CC Smileys! , asdf, _Azn chick ^_^, ladie

Chat room broadcast:
Your so hopeless, hoopy :] Anyways, hoppy you’re in charge. -10:28 am

I went over to a party last night. The host was a friend of mine who’s going to be married in mid July. I pulled her aside last night and told her how proud I was of her even though I never liked the guy she was seeing. She started crying I thought they were tears of joy, but I was dead wrong. She had belt marks all over her back. My heart broke, I new the guy was a creep and there was something off about him, but I never looked any deeper. See was so happy or so it seemed. I went down to the rest of the party. The SOB was drunk and hitting on some blondie.

I'm having one of my moody days. I'm not mad or lashing out at anyone, but it seems that I'm the one everyone is mad at. I haven't called Bree yet. And as much as I want to visit Klaire's grave, I haven't.

Hey I’m back. Missed me? I came back yesterday, I was jet lagged and very mad, so instead of hanging out at home I came to school today. To add to my headache their was a bunch of kids from the middle school I think 8th graders, taking a tour of the high school. I walked up to one group of them the consisted of 20-30 of them and completely lashed out on them. I don’t remember what I said, but they entire hall was dead silent and the kids were horror struck, wide open months hanging open. I apologized and they went on the rest of the tour.

Happy April fools day. Hopefully we’re keeping the jokes down to a minimum. Some people can cross the line. We’ll I’m heading out early tomorrow morning to New York and I’m glad to say I won’t be back for a week or two. I’ll try to pop in from time to time, but while I’m gone don’t do anything insane. I don’t like drama, being in the middle of one, or trying to be in the middle of one, but I do like to know what’s going on around here so I can do my part. Hp is special, but I’m sure most of us know that. Be back when I do get back. Later

I have to admit the atmosphere has changed. Years back when Hp was relatively new I was still worried-free and still new to puberty kicking in I had many, what should I call it, experiments in the Hp chat rooms. It was fun and the regulars new each other and welcomed first-timers. You get a decent “Hi” and the whole “411” story. I guess this was when Rock Lee, Sparklez, hmongboi, and Saw was still terrorizing the Hp.

Some times I feel like I’m moving to fast and I tell myself to slow down. But when I do slow down I have to much to time to think. Sometimes my thoughts are so deep I scare myself. I think about things that people usually don’t put much thought too. And I often look back to see how I got myself to where I am today. Then the questions start to pile up and I end up asking to many questions I can’t answer. This is probably about the time when everything I try to keep locked up come knocking at my door. I feel so bad for myself, so pitiful.

A good friend of mines uncle just came down from MN. News is he’s here to stay if he can find a place. Drove 2 hours to the airport with them and 2 hours back and got home at 1 in the morning. I had a headache. So I slept through the weekend.

I’m planning on taking a trip up to New York. Partly to visit old friends and partly to visit Bree. Yeah yeah bad idea I know, but what can I say. So I’ll be away from Hp on my spring break.

Well I got ten minutes to write this or else it would be long and dragged out with details like my other blogs. My mom is having tummy problems and I need to call and check in on her. Yes well maybe my dad and me worry to much, but that’s my sister or brother in there.

hmmm. Now that I've happen to minimize the drama and my little life crisis. The male hormones are kicking in. I can’t believe my desires for female have been growing. Lol don’t worry it’s not like if I jump every girl around. The only girl for me is 500 miles away and seeing how terrible the situation is were just friends, for now.

I noticed something I’ve been doing unexpectedly. I look up at the sky every morning rain or shine. I sleep in my back yard on the soft grass and look up while my niece is taking her afternoon nap next to me. Sometimes the sky is so blue it irritates me, but when the sky is gray I miss the blueness.

I’m so happy it hurts. As some know my mother is pregnant and very moody, that moodiness is rubbing off on me. I’ve been to yet another funeral and I’ve met a lot of people form my past, a lot of which I’d rather not ever see again. I took the 3 hours drive to Klaire’s grave. Any it felt different. I talked for a while and this time I’m not going to share what I said. It was painful, but I’m ready this time to truly move on. If I have why am I blogging this? Well, I guess now that I’ve made peace with Klaire it’s time I learn to stop blaming myself.

I have two lesbian friends who decide they wanted kids. And for some reason they asked me to be the surrogate donor. I thought it was a joke so I said “Why don’t you just go to one of those places. What are they called? ‘Rent a Penis’ or try ‘Sperm R Us’.” Naturally I was already in a bad mood, but when I saw their puppy eyes I gave in. ‘You’re serious’ was all I managed. They nodded and I was crushed. We stared a while then talked about it and now I’m left with the decision. I did some research and found out 17 year olds can donate, this is gonna get messy, and I was right.

Hmm. I guess my weekend was okay. I drove 2 hours to a funeral that I only stayed for half an hour. Yes, funerals make me iffy. Pay your respects and go, well at least I showed up. My parents stayed overnight with the family. Shame on me.

Today was okay. I woke up feeling as crapy as I always am, but today I was exceptionally feeling lonely. I’m not sure why. And so I sat up in bed and just was lost in thoughts and memories. And here’s what I got to:

I’m willing to bring diamonds from the blazing sun. Willing to collect the pearls of the moon’s tears. Willing to dive for the sapphires from the heart of the sea. Willing to be all yours as you are all mines. All this for you, all of me is yours if only I can get one more glimpse of you.

Can’t say I didn’t try, because I did. Dating is not working out. It’s not that it wasn’t fun, just that things don’t click. Maybe I should give it more time then rather judge them after only a couple of dates. But then I wouldn’t consider it a date more like a night out with a stranger. We talked about stuff family, career, and past ex’s was mentioned a couple of times. I just didn’t feel it, anything, nothing. I’m not basing this on one date; I’m basing this on a number of dates with different girls.

Last Sunday during all my excitement we lost two people from the yang clan in South Carolina. I’m not sure about the whole story, but a father and one of the oldest sons were killed. Either by a falling tree or the tree fell on the power lines that came down to electrocute them. Now the wife is a widow raising their kids by herself, although she has one or two married sons that could lend her a hand or shoulder, still, the pain and insecurity is still there.

I was surprise. I logged on and there was a bit of messages to go through. So I thought I'd make it clear. THIS IS NOT GOODBYE. Just making it clear. I'll still be around, but when I start dating again, just won't be on as much. I'm happy. Not grinning and spacing out happy, but there's this rise in my chest and I don't know but I feel, I don't know it's weird. I made up with my niece. lol that was random. Well since I'm on the subject. She was mad at me because she heard I was being a bad boy and I wasn't around her much these last couple of days. But all is good with my little princess now.